On second thoughts

I guess you cant really take it as I'm very sad.

I want to feel that very rich emotion again, say being extremely sad or happy.
(I leave up being extremely angry coz this is so easy to be in my trade.)

Just wanna feel that kinda rich emotion again so that I could be ME!

When I said I'm happy, I am not really feeling that raw happiness coz life goes on.
Happiness aint here every seconds and very often falls the very next minute.

When I said I'm sad, again I dont really feel that heart aching raw pain.

It's like every emotions have been concealed in somewhere coz I am afraid to show, and really it's not advisable to show and I cant show, AND~what's there to show?

Oh what am I talking about?

See...What I'm trying to say is that life goes on, round and round.
Day in and day out, it's almost a repetitive cycle just with different the same events replaying themselves in different order.

Hmm.

On one hand, I am damn grateful coz this daily rountine makes me do at least something everyday.
At least I dont live a day whereby I feel unaccomplished and redundant.
And such also makes every rest day comes by so precious and worth it's while.
This is especially important when you come to work coz you simply cannot and CANT afford to be a no-doer.
Right?

On the other hand, this makes me feel so detached from the age that I should be.
At 21, I could be still studying, enjoying myself, seeing the world etc ...instead of burying myself in this society,fighting hard each time so I could be on top of the wave and breathe.
You get what I mean?
I know you do.

Have you had any idea how much, just how much I wish I could be studying and complaining about the endless projects and so on.
How much I want to do what I really want.
Be it an air stewardness or just a childcare teacher.
How much I wanna go back to campus life.

But forget it.
I cant.
This is not being realistic.
Even if I studied, I still have to face this society one day.
If I have to do it eventually, I rather face them now.

I cant study coz really,I dont see what's the big idea of being a graduate coz degree holders cant find a job while I am sitting here finding jobs for them.
(And I absolutely DETEST bachelor degrees holders!Who the Fiak* they think they are. Wanna command a $2k pay in the current market and during year end. Want only perm job. Hey~you can carry on sit there and watch the days fly by,suckers!)

And Blah~I dont wanna study again for the sake of it.
What's the point of me taking a degree in Business (for eg) if I dont like it.

Of coz ~ I dont have that kinda money to.

Put studies aside, I guess I have to postpone my "dream" of being kids' teacher to indefinite. (That is if I ever gonna be eventually.)
1st the pay that I am gonna get is totally NOT viable.
Not for the future, not for the present.
I did consider that I really wont mind the pay if that's the job I like.
Not to mention,I still have to study the course. ($$$)
But having weighing all the circumstances, I have to give way.
SO blah~

Be an air stewardness.
Ha.Ha.Ha.
-_-
Let's just put it as I would be grately if I get to travel say at least once a year in the near future.

Well~everything aside.

I guess it's not so bad.

Look,I may be weary of going to work.
My body is screaming for rest!
(Something which I owed it since I graduated, I think.)

But now..I cant.
1st, I know my job cant afford me to.
A single day makes a big difference in the things you can do.
So imagine~I really cant.(if possible)

2nd, I CANT let my "laziness" gets the better of me.
This is absolutely a no-no.
I cant define already if I am really tired or it is just pure excuses for my lazy self.
I take it as the latter coz I know I am still able to work.
I really can.

3rd, You know that I have got what I wanna acheive.
I admit these are not big dreams nor wild ambitions.
But I planned this tiny goals carefully, I really just wanna do it in the shortest time possible.

I dont wanna wait for 5 or 6 years then I could get what they are getting.
It is of no difference from them, correct anot?
I wanna do it faster,faster,faster!

I wanna get what I want faster!
I know Clara is placing high hopes on me thus the many 'priviledges'.
I dont care what she is giving me.
I dont even know if she is telling me the truth or do I care?

I just wanna get what I want and bring what I want to others!

If you think this is crazy.

Lemme tell you, this has got to be the element you MUST learn to have to ride on the height.






Sigh...

Money doesnt spin my world.

But I learned that it is definitely essential to get what I want.

Since young, I've seen the difference b/w those living (very) comfortably and those not.

I just tell myself, one day I wanna be lidat too.
But most importantly I wanna let my parents live like that coz they deserved to!
They have NEVER been all their lives.
So why they shouldnt?

If say my life aint fated to be rich, lemme twist it myself.













...


At one point, I just wish that there is someone that will carry all these for me.
Lemme live in comfort...ha..every gal's wish.

But I think I must realised that this is no fairyland.

If I wanna get it, I must get it for myself.

So what I am only 21, so what I am just a gal.
So what I am a weak soul that's afraid of loneliness?
So what I am a ever sensitive and emotion rich freak?

If I have to choose b/w battling it out like others or seek solace in my cowardness.
I HAVE to pick the former.
What's there to choose?

So what I really wanna sit down and have a good cry?
As time goes on, I realised there's nothing worth to cry about.

Work can be extremely challenging and tiring each time.
As days go on, it is toiling on me.

Hey you can only choose to sharpen your gear, strengten your armour or you let defeat laugh at you.

It's not a choice right?

It's my life.

And most probably yours in another way too.

OH~~~


BLAH~

;)